25 Suggestions for People Who Haven’t Mastered Life

1. When people are talking, look them in the eyes and listen as they speak. Don’t just wait for them to finish so you can impart your advice. Job’s friends gave unsolicited council and God brought down the gauntlet at the end of the book.
2. When eating out, tip big and tip more than a Gospel track. Christians should be givers-even out at Waffle House. And come on, you’ve changed your order five times now and likely haven’t changed their lives with your Romans Road.
3. Watch a child laugh, video tape a friend after getting their wisdom teeth out, and ask a pregnant lady what it feels like to have a little human growing in her. Also, don’t mention that she reminds you of that move Alien.
4. When someone asks you a question about the LORD, this is not the time to answer the twenty-five questions you’ve worked through that they’re not asking. Dude, I just want to know who Melchizedek was not your favorite theologian’s view on prayer cloths.
5. Do something for someone without the underlying hope that they now owe you. Try not to prostitute your presence for power or future opportunity. Prostitution ultimately doesn’t pay. Much.
6. If someone has broccoli in their teeth, tell them. This maybe your Matthew 25 moment. “When I had broccoli in my teeth, you told me. But Jesus, when did you have broccoli in your teeth? Ohh come on Martin Luther…don’t pretend like you don’t know that Bible verse.” Then you walk away toothless for eternity.
7. If someone has a dream, do try not to interpret it as a dream from the LORD. Taco Bell’s meat is 35% beef. That’s a 65% chance that your prophetic skills are mediocre at best. That’s not a good ratio.
8. Blessed are the vaguebookers on social media websites for the LORD does not vaguebook about them. He specific books about them. And, he writes every time they vaguebook in the Lamb’s book of life.
9. Don’t refuse to give money to the homeless because they deserve their lot in life. Some have entertained angels when helping others (Heb. 13:2). And others have looked like jerks on that NBC show What Would You Do?
10. Guys…open the door for a lady without taking an unholy gander at what the LORD has made when she walks by. The world is watching. Even your grandma…don’t upset your sweet 80 year old gram gram.
11. When the professor is teaching, don’t write him off as liberal. He has the liberty to give you a bad grade.
12. Take some time to hang out with some younger guys or gals. The younger generation needs good role models. Since a good man is hard to find, you’ll have to do for now. You likely have a leg up on Tiger Woods and Lady Gaga. Maybe.
13. After gas prices go down, go for a nice Sunday drive after Church. If gas prices never go down, go for a Sunday walk and pray for the governmental abuse of the gas prices (1 Tim. 2:1-2).
14. Never gossip about people in the Church being hypocrites. They obviously were the nice type of hypocrites because they let you join the Church. The more the merrier I suppose.
15. Don’t blog your frustrations about someone you’ve never met. Because they’ve never met you, they likely won’t read your blog and you look like an ass no matter how right you are. Jerk.
16. Don’t refuse to help the poor overseas because we have poor here in America that you’re still not currently helping. Never mind the fact that the poor over here typically are proverbial kings and queens over there. Wait…is he wearing a monocle?
17. Laugh at the pastor’s joke he makes from the pulpit on Sunday morning. Yes he is supposed to be preaching the text and not making jokes. But, he is preaching on Genesis 34 this morning. It just got cray…and awkward for anyone named Dinah or Shechem in the congregation.
18. Exercise. When it says “taste and see that the LORD is good,” it doesn’t mean you eat the LORD all in one sitting.
19. Listen to your parents. They’ve likely gone through what you’re going through and they also didn’t kill you when you were a child and stayed up all night crying, pooping, and doing what babies have to do.
20. Quote each other in context, don’t give people a position they don’t actually hold and try not to dominate group conversations. Your thoughts are great but they’re not Scripture.
21. If someone cuts you off in traffic, refrain from Hulking out or pointing to the heavens with America’s second, national bird.
22. Take some time to enjoy God’s good creation. And don’t liter, start forest fires, or kill the first animal you see. Only you can prevent forest fires and that deer has a family!
23. Try being silent for a whole day. Who knows? Maybe you’ll gain a lot of friends.
24. I know they’re hilarious but don’t post unflattering pictures of friends on facebook. Dude…I had macaroni in my teeth and was wearing my worst wife-beater. You may feel that you’re an instrument for God’s judgment on your friends who dress like hooches by the pool but you might also just end up alone.
25. Tell your family and friends you love them as much as possible. They need the encouragement sometimes when your presence is about as pleasant as a Skunk’s trip to the bathroom.