22 Things to NOT Say to your Fundamentalist Friends or Pastor

Ok, ill admit it. I’m a crappy fundamentalist. I don’t jump on the bandwagon going 90 miles an hour playing Lynyrd Skynyrd’s “Free Bird” and the live version of “Amazing Grace” (you know…the one with a 15 minute guitar solo). I one time suggested having wine instead of grape juice with the Lord’s Table (don’t you dare call it the Eucharist!) and almost got excommunicated…by a Baptist! I decided to compile a list of things to say in the midst of your fundamentalist friends or pastor. It will put the “fun” back in the fundamentalist party.

  1. Jerry Falwell? Is that the new pope?
  2. Boy, that woman preacher was good!
  3. Getting drunk is a sin…not drinking per se.
  4. Obama is a decent president.
  5. We run this country based on the Constitution…not the Bible.
  6. No, I don’t want to ask Jesus into my heart.
  7. Ronald Reagan wasn’t a minor prophet. Neither is Bill O’Reilly. Also, Fox News is not the Newest Testament.
  8. Maybe an altar call wont seal the deal this time.
  9. Billy Graham was just an alright preacher…nothing special.
  10. Evolution is not sooo bad.
  11. America is not a Christian nation.
  12. CNN is an informative news station.
  13. Harry Potter isn’t sorcery anymore than Lord of the Ring or the Chronicles of Narnia.
  14. Marriage is between Adam and Steve…wait…I meant to say Eve.
  15. Holding hands doesn’t lead to premarital sex.
  16. Liberals are made in the image of God too.
  17. Maybe…we shouldn’t interpret that verse so literally. Was that the author’s original intent?
  18. Gambling is a sin? C’mon…the Apostles cast lots…
  19. Ok…I’m going to Hell just because we don’t agree on that subject?
  20. C’mon…I know many Christ-loving Catholics.
  21. The TellyTubbies were not gay…just happy.
  22. Quit being so judgmental or you’ll get left behind with all the Muslims, Atheists, Liberals, and Obama.

P.S. Here’s a quote that made my day…this is how to reach the lost. Use this line in the future.

“If you’re not a born-again Christian, you’re a failure as a human being.”
–Jerry Falwell

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6 responses to “22 Things to NOT Say to your Fundamentalist Friends or Pastor

  1. HOW DARE YOU, AUSTIN! JUST WHO THE HECK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE! HOW DARE YOU DEFAME THE HOLY INTERPRETATION OF SCRIPTURE BY INTRODUCING SUCH HOMOSEXUAL AND SATANIC FORCES AS TELLETUBBIES AND HARRY POTTER!!!!! HOPE YA HAVE FUN IN HELL WITH TINKY WINKY AND ALL THE DEMOCRATS!

    : )

  2. Dude hilarious! Jerry Falwell and being the new pope floored me. I know way too many old school liberty grad fundies who treat him like that.

  3. I am pretty sure I’ve said every last one of these, and broke every rule in my latest blog. I feel like a failure as a fundamentalist.

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